Much Better...

I'm doing much better than I was a couple of days ago! 

My car should be done soon! I'll be glad when I don't have to drive a stick anymore. I still don't like driving it, but I'm glad I learned. 

I got to go out with some girlfriends on Friday. They came and picked me up! I was so happy to be out and have a couple drinks with friends. It was just what I needed. I'm also glad I didn't have to be the designated driver! Ha ha. We went to this small bar in our town that is attached to the bowling alley. We felt out of place because everyone was at least 20-30 years older than us. We still danced, and had fun though! 

Work was alright this weekend! 32 hours never really passes by that quickly when you're at work. I finished decorating for Halloween which kept me busy.

I'm feeling less insecure, and negative which is awesome. I can't stand to be in a negative state of mind. It is such a waste of energy, but sometimes my mind just won't quit!  

I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my boyfriend this week! It's been a while since we've had any time to just well... I guess be lazy! We've both been so busy. Lately, whenever we've gotten together we've had studying to do, or some type of errand to run. I always feel better when I get to see him though because no matter what we have going on we have fun. It's so nice to be with somebody that you can just sit on the couch with, watch t.v., and have an awesome night. I'm so lucky, and so happy that we signed up for the same class last semester! Ha ha.

Well, it's 2 in the morning... I should sleep! I've got mandatory training for work in Plainfield tomorrow  at 4 PM. Then, I have school in Lawrence at 7 PM! After class, I have to drive back to Plainfield for work from 11 PM to 7 AM. I'll get to see my boyfriend in between class, and work though so that alone will make my day! 

Tired.

Ok, I'm going to start off on a positive note. This news is basically the only thing I can be even remotely excited about right now. I got an A+ on a research paper for Sociology, and on the last test I got a 52 out of 50. Today, my English Professor asked if she could use my research proposal as an example for her future classes. I'm happy that I got another A+ because it seems like school is the only thing in my control right now.

Now for the not so warm and fuzzy thoughts and feelings swirling about in my brain... 

My car is currently sitting at the shop. I thought it was the transmission, but it might just be something wrong with the sensory system of the car. My Dad helped me by taking the car thankfully, and is going to help if I can't cover all of the costs. He is completely saving my ass right now, and I don't know what I can do to repay him. 

I learned how to drive a stick shift which is super scary. I finally stopped panicking as much and didn't kill the truck on my way home from school. I'm driving my Mom's old 1990 Toyota! It doesn't have power steering either...

Even though I'm doing well in school I'm still a little bit stressed out by it. Every assignment matters when you're going to be applying for the Nursing program. It's so crucial to have the best grades as well as, test scores. I feel like crying if I miss even two points sometimes. It's a lot of pressure, but it will be more than worth it when I graduate. 

My Mom can't even stand to talk to me anymore. That's about all I'm going to say about that. 

Work is okay. I'm overwhelmed sometimes by my 16 hour shifts, but it just has to be done. I just want one weekend off like normal people! I want to be able to be lazy on a weekend, and be able to go out and have fun! I feel like a freak of nature sometimes with my schedule. 

I'm also worrying about the fact I have a ZERO social life. I can't remember the last time I went out with girlfriends. I'm always so busy, and they're busy too. I just feel like I'm not normal sometimes when it comes to friends too. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore, and honestly that makes me incredibly sad.

The person I'm in a relationship is really amazing. I just feel like lately I've been so stressed out that I've been disconnected. He gives really great advice, and I need to start listening to it. I've made a mess of things and I hate it. I feel awful, even now as I'm writing this, because I feel that in some ways I disappoint him. I absolutely hate the feeling that I've let him down, or made him upset. I talk to him about... well, everything! However, lately I don't want to because I'm not in a very positive state of mind, and I don't want him to think I'm always going to be negative, or have drama that needs to be dealt with. 

I'm so worn out right now. I feel like I'm constantly fighting. I don't know who I'm fighting with though. I feel as if I'm always being tested, but I don't know who I'm being tested by. I'm so tired. I'm sick of my own voice. I'm sick of my own thoughts, and feelings that keep circulating my mind 24/7.  I could sleep for 24 hours straight and wake up tired. I'm tired of just treading the water... 

I'm having a really shitty week and it isn't even Monday yet.

There are some things that are really making me mad.... including Lady Gaga being allowed on T.V. and on the radio. 

Ugh...

While I was eating lunch yesterday someone busted out my window and stole my school bag. It's going to cost $182 to replace the window and $550 to replace the books. I lost all my notes, handouts, the paper I was writing and important study guides. I lost my planner which basically contained my life. I had personal information in my bag along with pictures of friends and family. People really suck sometimes. The end. 

Well, here goes...

I've decided to start blogging. I think it will be a good outlet for me. I'm hoping it will deter me from sticking my foot in my mouth... well, at least in face to face conversation that is. We'll just all have to sit back, buckle our seat belts, and enjoy the turbulence, as I learn the ins and outs of blogging. I'm sure I'll probably rant and rave. I'll probably base arguments on pure emotion alone, and change my mind a million times. Hey! That's just me though, and I guess if you just can't handle it you don't need to read it. 

Hmm... that reminds me. I'm no longer making apologies. I'm no longer making apologies for who I am. This list encompasses but is by no means limited to:

1. What I say

2. What I wear

3. They way I talk

4. The way I look in a picture

5. The way I look in general

6. Doing the right thing

7. Being a nerd

8. Being random

9. Being energetic 

10. Not being perfect

11. Not being what my parents want me to be

12. Not acting how others want me to act

13. Having goals

14. Being competitive

15.

16.

17.

18.

I'm sure you get the idea...

Basically, I'm no longer making apologies for simply being myself. I'm not going to apologize because somebody else doesn't like the way I'm running MY life. MY life is MY show. There truly is a virtue of selfishness. I'm not going to apologize because I want the best for me. I'm not going to apologize for the hard decisions I've had to make and will continue to make to be successful and happy. 

I'm growing up and away each day. I get more confident in who I am. I get more confident in knowing that I have the power to create a positive environment for myself no matter what the original conditions of the situation. I grow more confident in knowing that I am a worthwhile person whether the general public views me as such or not. I grow more confident in knowing that I love myself, that I am beautiful, I am intelligent, and I can do or be, anything I want. 

I am also lucky enough to have people that love me in my corner. I'm thankful everyday that I have friends, as well as a boyfriend (he doubles as a best friend too :] ) that just want what is best for me. I'm lucky that even if I do have to put my foot in my mouth, or I fall flat on my face, they are right there to laugh at me then pick me up and dust me off. So friends, if you're reading this please know you're appreciated! 

Well, I think this does it for my first post! I do have a meeting for work tomorrow, class, and then I'm working third shift...