Tired.

Ok, I'm going to start off on a positive note. This news is basically the only thing I can be even remotely excited about right now. I got an A+ on a research paper for Sociology, and on the last test I got a 52 out of 50. Today, my English Professor asked if she could use my research proposal as an example for her future classes. I'm happy that I got another A+ because it seems like school is the only thing in my control right now.

Now for the not so warm and fuzzy thoughts and feelings swirling about in my brain... 

My car is currently sitting at the shop. I thought it was the transmission, but it might just be something wrong with the sensory system of the car. My Dad helped me by taking the car thankfully, and is going to help if I can't cover all of the costs. He is completely saving my ass right now, and I don't know what I can do to repay him. 

I learned how to drive a stick shift which is super scary. I finally stopped panicking as much and didn't kill the truck on my way home from school. I'm driving my Mom's old 1990 Toyota! It doesn't have power steering either...

Even though I'm doing well in school I'm still a little bit stressed out by it. Every assignment matters when you're going to be applying for the Nursing program. It's so crucial to have the best grades as well as, test scores. I feel like crying if I miss even two points sometimes. It's a lot of pressure, but it will be more than worth it when I graduate. 

My Mom can't even stand to talk to me anymore. That's about all I'm going to say about that. 

Work is okay. I'm overwhelmed sometimes by my 16 hour shifts, but it just has to be done. I just want one weekend off like normal people! I want to be able to be lazy on a weekend, and be able to go out and have fun! I feel like a freak of nature sometimes with my schedule. 

I'm also worrying about the fact I have a ZERO social life. I can't remember the last time I went out with girlfriends. I'm always so busy, and they're busy too. I just feel like I'm not normal sometimes when it comes to friends too. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore, and honestly that makes me incredibly sad.

The person I'm in a relationship is really amazing. I just feel like lately I've been so stressed out that I've been disconnected. He gives really great advice, and I need to start listening to it. I've made a mess of things and I hate it. I feel awful, even now as I'm writing this, because I feel that in some ways I disappoint him. I absolutely hate the feeling that I've let him down, or made him upset. I talk to him about... well, everything! However, lately I don't want to because I'm not in a very positive state of mind, and I don't want him to think I'm always going to be negative, or have drama that needs to be dealt with. 

I'm so worn out right now. I feel like I'm constantly fighting. I don't know who I'm fighting with though. I feel as if I'm always being tested, but I don't know who I'm being tested by. I'm so tired. I'm sick of my own voice. I'm sick of my own thoughts, and feelings that keep circulating my mind 24/7.  I could sleep for 24 hours straight and wake up tired. I'm tired of just treading the water...